“My baby has always…” is a phrase that often pops up in mom groups and is one that makes me toss my head back in maniacal laughter (okay, not quite so dramatic…maybe I just smirk). Because to assume a certain behavior from your baby/ toddler will last forever makes you woefully unprepared for the curve balls they will inevitably throw you. I think the most common example I come across is, “My baby has always been a good sleeper…” usually followed by some new inconvenient night-waking problem. Well, I’ve said this before, but a sleeping baby gives a mom a dangerous dose of hubris.
Usually my urge is to welcome these moms to the real world and tell them to treat themselves to a well-deserved coffee-run; This too shall pass. But by the time I get there, a dozen or so moms have already tossed in their $0.02. Some even comment about what has always worked for their 6-month-old 🤣. Somehow, saying that your baby “always” does “x” is most egregious when it comes in the form of advice.
So, what else are perfect lil babies always doing? Let’s explore:
Eating Well
My kid has always been a good eater. Want me to tell you how you can get your kid to eat well too? Well, it’s as easy as baby led weaning and making homemade purees! My 18-month-old just loves his fruits and veggies! Yet, what I fail to realize here is that in about 6 months my child will suddenly and inexplicably start picking foods, one-by-one, out of his diet. The only things left will be Cheerios and graham crackers. Then one day he’ll only eat bananas. Once the house is properly stocked for a banana at each meal, he’ll notice bananas have black things in them that are yucky! The pride and joy of exploring many types of food has taken a dark turn to begging him to eat just one French fry or try one bite of chicken nugget.
Potty-Training
The first pee-pee in the potty feels like a great accomplishment. You probably Instagramed that shit (and maybe even a literal shit…#proudmom). But for every bathroom success on the toilet-training journey, there’s a bathroom nightmare. Poop smeared on more surfaces than you knew existed, all extra outfits soaked with pee. And if you’re one of those early trainers, there’s even more opportunities for regression.
Reaching Developmental Milestones Early
I get it. I really do. When your baby starts doing things ahead of the curve, it’s exciting. You want the world to know that this is evidence your child is destined for great things. Consistently in the 99th percentile, crawling and walking early? Sign that sucker up for ALL the sports! Talking, able to count, or identify colors by age 2? Start filling out that Harvard admissions packet! The novelty of reaching milestones wears out pretty quickly though. Enjoy it, but don’t be surprised when your kid turns out average just like the rest of us.
Being So Well-Behaved
Even the most mild-mannered baby will eventually test boundaries and your patience. Simply asking nicely for your child to behave doesn’t always do the trick, and after asking nicely for the umpteenth time, it’s okay to breakout the full mom-yell. After the shockwave of your mom explosion wears off, you’ll wonder where you went wrong to have to scream so many times about not grabbing the dogs tail. Or perhaps your child has picked up on the idea of publicly shaming you with the tactic of a full and sudden meltdown at the grocery store. Through barred teeth, you’ll beg him to use his legs to walk before eventually throwing him under your arm and high-tailing it out of there. If you’re looking at your precious angel toddler with no idea what I’m talking about, don’t worry, you have lots of school- and teen-aged years to find out and, by then, they are more able to use logic and reasoning against you.
Tiny humans are fickle fickle creatures. For as much as we love them, they’re going to challenge us in unexpected ways. And even if you do figure things out, there’s always the second kid…
Two and Three Quarters 